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| Thanks to the ability of the young, thin, shaved headed plumber,
in contrast to the plump, bald, fat ass-crack baring stereotype, my kitchen
is once again equipped with running water that does more than leak all
over under the sink and burble up like an impotent geyser through a hole
between two hot & cold water knobs. I'm happy about this even
though I didn't get the faucet I wanted, one of those shiny brass finished
inverted Jay dreams with wooden handles to control the water flow.
What I got was your standard hard plastic, jut straight out variety.
They had the kind I wanted I wanted at the Home Depot. The price
tag was at $129. The land lord's choice was a piddly ten spot if
that.
Before placing the problem of the kitchen sink in the hands of the land lord, before knowing the full extent of the problem was like the iceberg with ten percent on the surface and 90% unseen, Kirsten and I went to the Home depot to pick up the faucet I wanted. Finding the faucets was easy. The price of the faucets was not. I noted that each faucet at the Home depot was assigned a number corresponding to numbered boxes. All the numbered boxes were under locked away. I looked around and couldn't find anything else that the Home depot deemed as valuable as their range of faucets to lock away. A sign donning microscopic script said we had to get assistance to get a faucet. Christ. Kirsten sought out an employee. The game being played had rules thusly, any one wearing the orange Home Depot vest is not, under any circumstances to be caught by any one not sporting the vest. In this way, Kirsten approached a vest clad individual, and the vest clad one would dart down an aisle and promptly disappear. This continued until we caught one of the faucet leprechauns and made him unlock us a faucet. "Aye, ya caught me then. And which faucet would you be liking today?" I told him the faucet number, and said, "Pretty tight security there for a bunch of faucets, huh? The Home depot have a problem with faucet burglars?" "As a matter of fact we do laddie. Last year alone, bandits ran off with upwards of 17,000 oov 'em." "Willickers," I exclaimed. Quick calculations began spinning through my murky hang over... Let's see, if the thieves are smart they'd grab the faucet I hold dear and at over a hundred bucks, well let's just say one hundred even times 17,000 that makes, um, add two zeroes and it's 17 plus 5 zeroes which is...one million seven hundred thousand dollars worth of stolen merchandise in faucets alone!! I didn't speak this horrifying big number to the leprechaun because
I don't understand how any place can afford to lose that much money.
I guess the locks must be paying off. The number of stolen faucets
is maybe for all the Home Depots. It can't just be the little old
Home depot of North Hollywood that's being plundered. If so, I'm
surrounded by faucet thieves. It'd be like over one fifth of my home
town all pouring water into their homes through stolen property.
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